Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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