just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
