I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
