i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
foreskin is a definite game changer
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
