we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
