Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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