My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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