I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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