Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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