i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
