I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
