I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
