My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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