We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize