Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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