fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
