He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
