I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Houston, we have a blender
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize