Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Randomize
