Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
