Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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