you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
