we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So squirting runs in the family.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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