I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
