She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
