There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
babies were throwing up all over the place
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
