My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
