matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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