I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
