And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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