This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
