Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
