I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
