he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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