At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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