Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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