I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
