I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
