when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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