I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
