dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
