his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
