Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
