I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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