I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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