he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the day after is always just damage control
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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