I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize