she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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