this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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