I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm getting married
To pizza
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
