OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
