Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
