He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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