She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We left an ass print on the piano.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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