every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
