You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
