I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
