really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
