Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You pole danced in your parka.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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